Do you want a committed romantic relationship? Most of the people I talk to wouldn't hesitate to say yes. What does commitment here even mean or look like though?

Exclusivity -

So often I see sexual and even emotional exclusivity used as the first sign of commitment. Choosing not to be intimate with anyone else is the sacrifice we offer and expect from our partner. It gives us a sense of control too that comes with this element of possession. I am yours and you are mine.

Marriage -

The next big show of commitment is moving in together or getting married. That seems to be the traditional narrative or relationship escalator as I like to think of it. I've been hearing an urgency from women in their late 20s especially to “put a ring on it”. If their partner isn't willing to commit at that level, they need to move on.

I understand that for many women there's that ticking clock in the back of their minds. The biological clock for when to have children is putting pressure on the need to "settle down". With that comes the need to find a partner that is ready to go on that journey with you. Social pressures of course only add to this.

It's time we expand our view of commitment

Monogamy and marriage are social constructs that have been around for a very long time. They're leftovers in a way from when society looked wildly different. There's nothing wrong with choosing exclusivity or wanting to get engaged today. Still, I believe it's time we expand our view of commitment.

Other options?

What are some ways of showing commitment that better reflect our current society? We have so much more choice and freedom today. We can choose not to have children, or not get married. We are in most cases safe to choose who we get intimate with, when and why. So isn't it also safe to loosen the reigns a little?

What if you showed commitment by trusting each other and relinquishing some control? For example, by supporting each other in having a life separate from the relationship. This might seem counterintuitive, but hear me out. As much as you love being with each other and doing things together, you are still individual beings. Try showing your partner you trust them by encouraging them to go out without you as well.

I actually enjoy helping my partner get ready for a night out without me. Being part of the getting ready process makes me feel involved and them feel loved and supported. While they're out, I use the time to take care of my own needs. At the end of the night, we can come together again and connect. Both of us are happy to have done our own thing and can enjoy being back with each other again.

I've come to appreciate that commitment doesn't have to go hand in hand with exclusivity or sacrifice. What I'm really looking for is stability and security. Consistent actions from a partner and clear expectations can give me that. So, ongoing communication about what each of your current needs and desires are goes a long way. Add in any expectations you have of the future, at least to the best of your knowledge and ability.

What makes you feel committed in your relationships?